A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:21 pm

A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his drink, he noticed a gorgeous young Indian girl sipping a soft drink at the other end of the bar. He told the bartender to give her a real drink. The bartender replied, "I can't. The C.P. would be on my ass."

"What's the C.P.?"

"City Police."

The man finished his drink and ordered another. Again, he asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink, but this time the bartender said, "I can't. The S.P. would shut me down."

"What's the S.P.?"

"State Police."

Just then the Indian girl got up an walked out of the bar. The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken.

"The F.B.I. got me!" the man moaned.

"What do you mean the F.B.I?" the bartender asked.

"A F!@#ing Big Indian!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:22 pm

A woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is anal sex and my rear end is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $3,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:23 pm

A teacher

asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father

'That's what I said!'

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:25 pm

Condom says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."
Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine
months!"


A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and
blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, name of the baby
was SAM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")


A lady visited her doctor one morning. Doc said: "You look so weak and
exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?
Lady : "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"


Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....
When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid
Replied:"MASTURBATING."(master bathing)

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:26 pm

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:26 pm

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:29 pm

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed a large billboard sign advertising free sex with a 15 gallon fill-up of gas. Thinking this sounded like too good of a deal to be true, they both decided to check it out and went into town and stopped at the gas station.

They filled up their car with gas and went into pay. Before handing over the money, they asked the station manager about the free sex. "Well," said the manager, "it's not quite that simple. First you need to take a simple test and if you pass, you get the free sex. What you do is try and guess the number I am thinking of between One and Five."

The men looked at each other and decided to try the number, Three. "Wrong," said the manager, the number I was thinking of was Two, but you can come back again and try to win." The Norwegian men left the gas station disappointed and drove away. While in their car, one looks over and says to the other, "Hey, Ole, I bet that manager cheated us. You know he could have said any number and how would we know if it was the right number?"

His friend looked at him and replied, "No you're wrong, he didn't cheat us. My wife won four times just last week!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:30 pm

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands." The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:32 pm

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:36 pm

Avoiding Collision

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:37 pm

Why it's important to understand English

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:39 pm

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn't concentrate on his work. Whenever she came inside the room, he'd jerk his neck right out of joint to look at her cleavage.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a...... well...... unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, my husband is a kind, decent man and he has a certain physical weakness, a certain disability, and now, I'm a woman and you're a man......"

The repairman could hardly speak when he said, "Yes, yes!"

"And I've been wanting to do it ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes, yes!"

She continued, "Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:40 pm

There was this couple who were running late preparing for the big party, and it just so happened that the husband had on a pair of trousers that had a buttoned fly, one button of which had come off and needed sewing.

The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested he run across the street to have her lady friend take care of the matter.

And so he did. A little bit later he came back with the button sewn on all right, but he was terribly beaten up.

"Good grief! What in the world happened to you! You just went over there for the button to be sewed on, and now look at you!"

"Well, when I told her what I wanted done she said to take a seat and that it would just take her a second. So, I sat down and she begansewing on the button. Everything was just going along just fine until she bent over to bite off the thread and her husband came in the door."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:41 pm

A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smokinga joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sat May 10, 2008 12:43 pm

During the first meeting with the US president in the 80s, Deng Xiao Ping's translator was late and the translator of Reagan decided to take advantage of Deng's english handicap to embarrass the Chinese leader.

US translator: Hi Mr Deng, do u know who is the first president of united states?

Deng: (thinking the translator was asking him to self introduce) Wo xing Deng - my surname is Deng

US translator: I thought he can't speak english, how did he know it was Washington? maybe too easy, I ask him a tougher question. Mr Deng, who will be the third president of Taiwan?

Deng: (thinking they were asking where his translator is) Ni deng hui - you wait a while

US translator: How the hell did he know Lee Teng Hui will succeed Chiang? Damn, let me test his foresight. Who do u tink will succeed Lee then?

Deng: (getting impatient with the translator) shui bian shui bian - anything anything

US translator: How the hell can it be Chen Shui Bian? Nevermind, lets test him on Asia's future. Mr Deng, what do you think will happen in 2 decades that will cripple the economy of Asia then?

Deng: (getting extremely impatient with the constant bugging without his own translator) Sha Shi Sha Shi? - Whats up Whats up?

Deng got angry and left the room. 20 years after the meeting, the translator died of heart attack when he read of the SARS outbreak in Asia....

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Sun May 11, 2008 12:10 pm

There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would make a bet on anything and he would always win. His shipmates were continually losing their money to him, making them very irritated. The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship.

The next day the boy was transferred, and less than fifteen minutes after boarding the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had hemorrhoids. The new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew there
was no way he could have hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet.

The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend over. The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick up the Captain's ass. The sailor found no hemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50 bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call the boy's old Captain and tell him.

When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken 50 dollars from the boy. The old Captain
replied, "How?"

"Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids. I knew I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and bend over. When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids. Fifty bucks I won."

The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here he bet me 500 dollars that within an hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by carlyn on Tue May 13, 2008 11:43 pm

haha all these jokes are damn funny!
OMG. Where does sk get all these from?!
LAWL.
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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Thu May 15, 2008 6:31 pm

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.

"The regional vice president died this morning!"

"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"

"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack," Jim began
explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."

"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."

"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri May 16, 2008 11:29 pm

A swarm of sperms is swimming frantically through the murky passages of a human body. The main group is being led by a scout sperm who is running up ahead, making sure they are all going the right way.

At some point the scout sperm goes round the corner and disappears for a second. When the main group reaches the spot, they see the scout sperm stand still, just his little tail whipping left and right, his little head wagging this way and that. He looks really perplexed.

The sperms in the main group start yelling, "What`s the matter, why are we stopping? C`mon, we gotta run, we gotta job to do, an ovum to meet..!"

The scout sperm shushes them impatiently, then sniffs the air up ahead some more and announces grimly: "Brothers, we`ve been had... We`re up somebody`s ass!"

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri May 16, 2008 11:34 pm

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by
feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when
dead .

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri May 16, 2008 11:35 pm

If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed...

Always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri May 16, 2008 11:36 pm

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean `all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri May 16, 2008 11:37 pm

What is the thinnest book in the world?

"What men know about women."

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri May 16, 2008 11:37 pm

Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?

A. They kept trying each other.

Q. What's the difference between a Trisket and a lesbian?

A. A Trisket is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker!

Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?

A. To see her crack

Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography?

A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.

Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?

A. To keep its nuts dry.

Q. Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?

A. He was looking for pooh!

Q. What did one tit say to the other?

A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A. When the kids are in college.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?

A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?

A. They exchanged loads.

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?

A. A fruit stand!

Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?

A. A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!

Q. Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?

A. You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Post by Rankless on Fri May 16, 2008 11:39 pm

Chinese Courier Service

Innovative delivery method, the Chinese ways...forget
about DHL, UPS or even FedEx!!! Enjoy Reading...

A family in the Southern Province of China, were
puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother
arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the
daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed
inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they
opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read
as follows:

Dear Cousins, I am sending Ah-ma body to you since it
was her wish that she should be cremated in the
compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I
could not come along as all of my paid leaves are
consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under
Ah-ma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of
Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong.

Please divide these among all of you. On Ah-ma's feet
you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10)
for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah
Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ah-ma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for
Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just
distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Armani
Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for the boys.

The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's
left wrist. Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei , Ahma is wearing the
Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked
for. Please take them. The 6 white Polo cotton socks
that Ah ma is wearing must be divided among my teenage
cousins.

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong also not
feeling well nowadays. I can send all required things
when our Ah Kong goes back too...

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Re: A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

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