A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

Why it's important to understand English

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn't concentrate on his work. Whenever she came inside the room, he'd jerk his neck right out of joint to look at her cleavage.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a...... well...... unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, my husband is a kind, decent man and he has a certain physical weakness, a certain disability, and now, I'm a woman and you're a man......"

The repairman could hardly speak when he said, "Yes, yes!"

"And I've been wanting to do it ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes, yes!"

She continued, "Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

There was this couple who were running late preparing for the big party, and it just so happened that the husband had on a pair of trousers that had a buttoned fly, one button of which had come off and needed sewing.

The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested he run across the street to have her lady friend take care of the matter.

And so he did. A little bit later he came back with the button sewn on all right, but he was terribly beaten up.

"Good grief! What in the world happened to you! You just went over there for the button to be sewed on, and now look at you!"

"Well, when I told her what I wanted done she said to take a seat and that it would just take her a second. So, I sat down and she begansewing on the button. Everything was just going along just fine until she bent over to bite off the thread and her husband came in the door."

A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smokinga joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

During the first meeting with the US president in the 80s, Deng Xiao Ping's translator was late and the translator of Reagan decided to take advantage of Deng's english handicap to embarrass the Chinese leader.

US translator: Hi Mr Deng, do u know who is the first president of united states?

Deng: (thinking the translator was asking him to self introduce) Wo xing Deng - my surname is Deng

US translator: I thought he can't speak english, how did he know it was Washington? maybe too easy, I ask him a tougher question. Mr Deng, who will be the third president of Taiwan?

Deng: (thinking they were asking where his translator is) Ni deng hui - you wait a while

US translator: How the hell did he know Lee Teng Hui will succeed Chiang? Damn, let me test his foresight. Who do u tink will succeed Lee then?

Deng: (getting impatient with the translator) shui bian shui bian - anything anything

US translator: How the hell can it be Chen Shui Bian? Nevermind, lets test him on Asia's future. Mr Deng, what do you think will happen in 2 decades that will cripple the economy of Asia then?

Deng: (getting extremely impatient with the constant bugging without his own translator) Sha Shi Sha Shi? - Whats up Whats up?

Deng got angry and left the room. 20 years after the meeting, the translator died of heart attack when he read of the SARS outbreak in Asia....

There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would make a bet on anything and he would always win. His shipmates were continually losing their money to him, making them very irritated. The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship.

The next day the boy was transferred, and less than fifteen minutes after boarding the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had hemorrhoids. The new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew there
was no way he could have hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet.

The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend over. The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick up the Captain's ass. The sailor found no hemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50 bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call the boy's old Captain and tell him.

When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken 50 dollars from the boy. The old Captain
replied, "How?"

"Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids. I knew I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and bend over. When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids. Fifty bucks I won."

The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here he bet me 500 dollars that within an hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!"

haha all these jokes are damn funny!
OMG. Where does sk get all these from?!
LAWL.

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.

"The regional vice president died this morning!"

"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"

"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack," Jim began
explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."

"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."

"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

A swarm of sperms is swimming frantically through the murky passages of a human body. The main group is being led by a scout sperm who is running up ahead, making sure they are all going the right way.

At some point the scout sperm goes round the corner and disappears for a second. When the main group reaches the spot, they see the scout sperm stand still, just his little tail whipping left and right, his little head wagging this way and that. He looks really perplexed.

The sperms in the main group start yelling, "What`s the matter, why are we stopping? C`mon, we gotta run, we gotta job to do, an ovum to meet..!"

The scout sperm shushes them impatiently, then sniffs the air up ahead some more and announces grimly: "Brothers, we`ve been had... We`re up somebody`s ass!"

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by
feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when
dead .

If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed...

Always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean `all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

What is the thinnest book in the world?

"What men know about women."

Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?

A. They kept trying each other.

Q. What's the difference between a Trisket and a lesbian?

A. A Trisket is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker!

Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?

A. To see her crack

Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography?

A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.

Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?

A. To keep its nuts dry.

Q. Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?

A. He was looking for pooh!

Q. What did one tit say to the other?

A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A. When the kids are in college.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?

A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?

A. They exchanged loads.

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?

A. A fruit stand!

Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?

A. A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!

Q. Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?

A. You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!

Chinese Courier Service

Innovative delivery method, the Chinese ways...forget
about DHL, UPS or even FedEx!!! Enjoy Reading...

A family in the Southern Province of China, were
puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother
arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the
daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed
inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they
opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read
as follows:

Dear Cousins, I am sending Ah-ma body to you since it
was her wish that she should be cremated in the
compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I
could not come along as all of my paid leaves are
consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under
Ah-ma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of
Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong.

Please divide these among all of you. On Ah-ma's feet
you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10)
for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah
Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ah-ma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for
Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just
distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Armani
Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for the boys.

The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's
left wrist. Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei , Ahma is wearing the
Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked
for. Please take them. The 6 white Polo cotton socks
that Ah ma is wearing must be divided among my teenage
cousins.

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong also not
feeling well nowadays. I can send all required things
when our Ah Kong goes back too...