A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

QUESTIONS THAT PUZZLED ME!




1. If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


2. Can you cry under water?



3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


4. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


5. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


7. What disease did cured ham actually have?


8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


11. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


13. Why do doctors leave the room while you change?


14. They're going to see you naked anyway.


15. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


16. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


17. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


18. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


19. If the pro fessor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


20. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


21. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


23. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


24. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


25. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


28. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


29. Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!!!!


So anyone can help to answer ?

SEX CRAZED BOSS

She says "My boss is so sex crazed. Every time he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format".

"I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT it in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE".

Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE. Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage. Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and SHIFTed me to his HOME where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said "TURNOVER".

Today, many times he works without CAPS LOCK (without "cap" or "helmet") and sometimes as an ALTernative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he loses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN...

This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEMS!

Marriage is not a word

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lighs on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

A couple designed a codename for having sex as they did not want their kids to noe...
so whenever one of them wants to hav sex...they would say "typewriter"...

one day, a man felt the urge to hav sex...so he asked his son:" boy go to mummy and tell her i nid the typewriter."

the boy did so. as she was washing the dishes, the mother replied:"tell ur father tat im buzy rite now"
the boy did exactly tat.

a while later, the mother was free and asked her son to tell the father tat the typewriter was ready...

the father said:" tell ur mom tat i've already handwritten"

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home.

I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too -even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!

...........tio scam.

Lee Sum Wan : Hello can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr Sori : Yes you could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori : I know u are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well, just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident, that is'nt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : Im Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : Im Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan : I don't like your tone of voice mister and I don't care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm SORI!!! You didn't even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh I'm so scared(sarcastically). Look I dont care about your uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of your aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sister!
Mr. Sori : I don't know which one is your sis! Why in God's name you think i do!? Look i got work to do and if i'm feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying.

"Attention, someone called and said that anyone's brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if you're their uncle, you're a nobody." How bout that!?

toot..........toot.........toot.......

The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the Primary 1.My sister is in Primary 3 and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary 3 too!"
The teacher took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Primary 1, and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in. The conditions were explained, and Harry agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?”Harry: "36"?

And so it went with every question the principal thought a Primary 1 student should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her “I think Harry can go to Primary 3."The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some tougher questions?"The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two?"

Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

(The principal's e open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)

Harry: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?"

(The principal's e open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Shake hands."Teacher: "

Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Who am I?

Harry: "A Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." What am I?

(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)

Harry: "A Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good." What am I?

Harry: "A Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." What am I?

Harry: "An Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put this ass in Primary 6! "I got the last 10 questions all wrong myself."