A Joke A Day Reduce The Stress (BE WARNED OF THE CONTENT)

This topic might contain adult jokes. If you are uncomfortable please do not view this topic.
The jokes here are just meant for laughter and not targeting at anyone and any political issues.

Let start the ball rolling.'

A young man went to his new girlfriend's house for the first time. He waited in the living room while she went into the kitchen to fix them a drink.

As he stood there alone, he noticed a little vase on the mantel, picked it up, and, when she returned, asked her, "What's this?"

"Oh," she said, "that's my father's ashes."

Embarrassed, the young man bit his lip, and stammered, "Oh, geez, I'm, uh, oh..."

"Yeah," said his girlfiriend, "he's too lazy to go to the kitchen for an ashtray!"

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well," he began, "I remember back in '1966', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRR!!! I tell you, I just shit my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAARRRRR!!!'"

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
With this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
Appropriate....

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Little Johnny, what does your Daddy do for a living?", the teacher asked.
Johnny answered, "My Daddy is a dildo maker and he says my mommy is a test pilot"

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's wiener and began to work back.

Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where ARE your testicles?"

The old Chief, with a broad grin on his face, calmly replied, "Vietnam."

John: It's my wife's birthday

Peter: What's your gift to her?

John: I asked her what she wanted

Peter: What did she said?

John: Anything, as long as there is a DIAMOND.

Peter: What did you gave her?

John: playing cards

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!"

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette.

Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"

So her friend asks: "What's a condom? Where did you get it?" So she says: "At the pharmacy" So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom.

The clerk asks: "What size?"

So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan,
recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship.
The distance between us is just too great.
I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone,
and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky..............


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers
for any snapshots they could spare of their
girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Becky,
Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals
he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:


Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile,
and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Ricky

A man went on a business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.
He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying
inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not
work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads,
'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He
tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not
even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for
another unit. When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to
the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China.
We read from the right to the left.'

One day a farm implement salesman visited a new potential customer in hopes of selling him the latest, greatest and most expensive piece of farm machinery his company had ever produced. He found the farmer sitting in the barn with his head in his hands. The salesman introduced himself and explained why he was there.

"Well," said the farmer, "If you can do something for me, I'll buy one of those fancy gadgets."

The salesman could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of such a huge sale, after all, there was nothing he wouldn't do to make this sale. "Sure," said the salesman, "Just name it!"

"Well," started the farmer, "this morning I came down to the barn to milk Bessie. I put the stool down beside her and the pail under her and was just about to begin milkin' when she got up an' kicked me with her right hoof. I took a piece of rope and tied her right leg to the side of the stall and went around to the left side of her with my stool. I no sooner got sittin' when she got up an' kicked me with her left hoof. I took another piece of rope and tied her left leg to the other side of the stall. Then I took the stool around to the back of her and sat down and was just about to start milkin' when she got up again and swats me in the face with her tail. I didn't have any more rope so I took off my belt and stood up on the stool and proceeded to tie her tail to the ceiling and of course my pants slid down to my ankles.

Right then my wife walks in. Now if you can convince my wife that all I was going to do was milk the cow, I'll buy one of them things."

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging her
trunk, but he was far out of reach.

A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the horsefly in half.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I can ever
do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.

"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."

"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered how it
would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"

The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very excited and started to masturbate.

This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the head.

"Ouch!" said the elephant.

The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, baby?"

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"